Depression Thoughts
I have recently resigned from the company I first joined when I came to Singapore. Reason? One might think that it's a childish reason, but I feel that being disregarded, or ' Accidentally Forgotten' is a good enough reason for me to leave.
Perhaps I was being over sensitive, some would say 'the boss has the right to do whatever he wants'. When I asked why I wasn't chosen, he simply said that he had honestly forgotten, not on purpose! But HAVE REALLY FORGOTTEN!
Honestly, EVEN SO, it would have meant that in future preferences, I wouldn't even have the slightest chance of a promotion or a raise, as he wouldn't even have me in his mind that I deserve it or not! He would simply have given the opportunity to someone else HE REMEMBERS!
It wasn't the first time I let myself be 'forgotten' or 'disregarded'. When I was in high school, I had told my neighbor that I needed a ride to school with her, which, of course, she had forgotten, and had left without me. Oh it did not just happened once. There were times when I would have to remind her multiple times just so she would remember. And NO, she does NOT have a memory problem, I simply wasn't worthy of her to regard. She didn't care about me, I simply wasn't important to her.
And my ex, whom after going on a church mission, meeting another girl whom he deems more worthy than his girlfriend of 2 years and who's waiting at home for him. Might I add, when we broke up, I told him that I still wanted to be with him, and he told me that he wants to focus on his mission, yet, 2 weeks later, he's in a relationship with that other girl? During his mission? Wow, he must be really focusing on his mission. BTW, he's a Mormon, and the girl was his investigator, now that he's back from his mission, they've been on and off ever since. Now they're 'officially' off. Or are they?
And my other ex, who can't seem to take his mind off his ex while we're dating. Comparing me to her every chance he has, like, 'you have nice pupils, but she has nice eyes. The shape of her eyes and everything.' I'm not making this up. When I asked him if a certain girl is pretty, (who's a really pretty blogger with thousands of fans) 'No way, my ex is way prettier. Right? *asked his friend, which his friends disagrees with him*' No joke. He was still in contact with his ex even when we were dating, and refused to stop talking to her when I told him I wasn't comfortable. I went mental. Became really insecure and clingy. So he broke up with me because he felt that he wasn't ready. He did go back to his ex a year after he broke up with me. So what does that make me? Just an irrelevant side character in a story for the main character to realize who he's in love with all this while? That really damaged me.
And when I was a kid, I was always looked down upon by teachers. For instance, when I was 8, we were lined up to do some math questions in class. Surprisingly, I understood the equation, but the boy in front of me didn't. He was asked a question and unable to answer, to which the teacher shamed him by saying he's stupid. She then saw that I was up next, and proceeded to say 'Hah! Another stupid one!'. But I proceeded to answer the math question with ease. She was surprise that I did it right but said nothing. Am I really unworthy of a compliment?
The list goes on and on. I have no one to blame but myself. Why did I always let myself be the side character who always gets forgotten or taken advantage of? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not important? Should I even bother? I know people will say 'don't care about those who doesn't matter' or something like that. But considering these feelings started since I was too young to remember, I sometimes wonder if I suffer from depression. When will I be the main character of the story? When will I be someone who matters? When will I the chosen one? When will I be worthy of being remembered?
Perhaps I was being over sensitive, some would say 'the boss has the right to do whatever he wants'. When I asked why I wasn't chosen, he simply said that he had honestly forgotten, not on purpose! But HAVE REALLY FORGOTTEN!
Honestly, EVEN SO, it would have meant that in future preferences, I wouldn't even have the slightest chance of a promotion or a raise, as he wouldn't even have me in his mind that I deserve it or not! He would simply have given the opportunity to someone else HE REMEMBERS!
It wasn't the first time I let myself be 'forgotten' or 'disregarded'. When I was in high school, I had told my neighbor that I needed a ride to school with her, which, of course, she had forgotten, and had left without me. Oh it did not just happened once. There were times when I would have to remind her multiple times just so she would remember. And NO, she does NOT have a memory problem, I simply wasn't worthy of her to regard. She didn't care about me, I simply wasn't important to her.
And my ex, whom after going on a church mission, meeting another girl whom he deems more worthy than his girlfriend of 2 years and who's waiting at home for him. Might I add, when we broke up, I told him that I still wanted to be with him, and he told me that he wants to focus on his mission, yet, 2 weeks later, he's in a relationship with that other girl? During his mission? Wow, he must be really focusing on his mission. BTW, he's a Mormon, and the girl was his investigator, now that he's back from his mission, they've been on and off ever since. Now they're 'officially' off. Or are they?
And my other ex, who can't seem to take his mind off his ex while we're dating. Comparing me to her every chance he has, like, 'you have nice pupils, but she has nice eyes. The shape of her eyes and everything.' I'm not making this up. When I asked him if a certain girl is pretty, (who's a really pretty blogger with thousands of fans) 'No way, my ex is way prettier. Right? *asked his friend, which his friends disagrees with him*' No joke. He was still in contact with his ex even when we were dating, and refused to stop talking to her when I told him I wasn't comfortable. I went mental. Became really insecure and clingy. So he broke up with me because he felt that he wasn't ready. He did go back to his ex a year after he broke up with me. So what does that make me? Just an irrelevant side character in a story for the main character to realize who he's in love with all this while? That really damaged me.
And when I was a kid, I was always looked down upon by teachers. For instance, when I was 8, we were lined up to do some math questions in class. Surprisingly, I understood the equation, but the boy in front of me didn't. He was asked a question and unable to answer, to which the teacher shamed him by saying he's stupid. She then saw that I was up next, and proceeded to say 'Hah! Another stupid one!'. But I proceeded to answer the math question with ease. She was surprise that I did it right but said nothing. Am I really unworthy of a compliment?
The list goes on and on. I have no one to blame but myself. Why did I always let myself be the side character who always gets forgotten or taken advantage of? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not important? Should I even bother? I know people will say 'don't care about those who doesn't matter' or something like that. But considering these feelings started since I was too young to remember, I sometimes wonder if I suffer from depression. When will I be the main character of the story? When will I be someone who matters? When will I the chosen one? When will I be worthy of being remembered?