Lost in Thoughts

Ever since graduating from college and moving to Singapore, I've come out of my sheltered little bubble into this whole new world full of responsibility and reality. Yeah, sure, it's fun that I have the freedom to do what I want, but is it, really?

The day has finally arrived where my college life is over. I never thought that this day would come, but it has. Now I'm in Singapore working on my internship. What's great about it is that I'm not alone, a few of my friends are with me, which is really lucky of me. 

I wish I could not give a shit about him. Whenever he text or contacts me, I would get pissed off whenever that snake comes into topic. Now, I don't care that he's already in a relationship with her, but what pisses me off is that he has the nerve to do it during his Mormon mission and right after telling me that he can't have a relationship and he wants to 'focus' on serving God.

I don't know why I still get mad, but I do. It's not like I want a relationship with him, hell no! A man who can't be faithful for less than 4 months? Who would want that? What pisses me off is that he's out there telling people of all the good things he did, but no one knows all the actual bullshit that he does!

You said you like her because she believed that what you taught is true and easily understands about the gospel. Well, fuck you. Does it mean that a person has to change their belief to be with you? It meant that she doesn't have her own freaking thinking? Can't a girl have her own opinions? That as long as she follows what you say, you will choose her? Then you're not worth it.

This year will be my first year celebrating Christmas single after what seems like an eternity. It struck me harder than I imagine and I honestly didn't look forward to it at all. I didn't want any Christmas presents or anything at all, all I want for Christmas is him. I couldn't stop thinking about him as the day approached. Not being able to spend Christmas with him is bad enough, but I had to spend Christmas myself and heartbroken.

My relatives had always organized a Christmas barbecue on Christmas eve every year, and this year my mum told me and my sister to invite our friends to attend, which meant that I couldn't even spend time with my sister! My parents would be having their friends over too so that really meant that I would really spend Christmas alone! I didn't invite any friends because I didn't think that anyone would come, I thought that everyone would be out celebrating.

A few hours before the party, I was asking a friend for some stuff and he mentioned that he was not going to celebrate Christmas too. So I jokingly invited him, not expecting him to come at all, but shockingly he was ok with it and asked me to call up more friends to come. So I did, but still not trying to get my hopes up, I didn't think much of it. So I called up a few of my friends and oddly one by one of them are free! I must admit that I didn't expect them to come, or would ditch at the last minute, but they came! I ended up gathering 6 people at the last minute! It made me realized that, I'm not alone! There's so many people out there who has the same, or worse, problems, as me and that all I had to do, is to be the one to do something about it to turn the night around!

I ended up having an awesome night with them and also the first Christmas where I went to a crowded area on a holiday!

Although he was on my mind the entire time, and I anticipated for his text or call the whole time, which didn't happen, I still enjoyed the night. It's better than sitting alone and thinking about what I'm going to do with myself.

Moral of the story is, if you don't feel happy about something, then do something about it!

Whenever I'm down, I listen to The Script's Nothing. Somehow I feel that this song reflects what I'm going through and how I feel.

Why do we only appreciate the ones who makes no effort to be with us, yet, take the people who is dying to be with you for granted?

A lot has happened since the last post, I have to admit, I let myself go by not paying attention in class and slipping away in depression. I cried everyday and whenever people talk about this issue to me. It was at one point when I would rather sleep than do my assignments (that was due the next day) because dreams are better than reality. My friends had noticed and tried to cheer me up, but I can't help it.

Then one day I was so depressed that I asked the elders to give me a blessing, and they did. And on that  night, I had a dream. A dream so shocking and wonderful that I woke up smiling. It was so clear, I could even feel the touch on my skin! It made my day! And ever since that day, I could not stop smiling. No, the dream has nothing to do with my missionary. Although the dream was a great dream, I did wish that it would come true, but I know the chances of that happening is close to impossible. But there was still that hope. Even though it was only just a dream, it left a huge impact on me. I stopped crying after that and finally moved on. All my friends are shocked when I said I've moved on, but they cheered for me because they knew that I was happier. Even though they hoped that things will go well for me and my mish in the future, I wasn't going to waste my life away for someone who hurt me so bad. I don't want to be an option or a back-up. I don't want to be with someone who only feels guilt for me. I don't want to always be the little woman who obediently waits for her man and lets him win all the time. It was time to move on. I don't want to be that girl anymore. If you want something, you have to earn it, so you will appreciate it more.

Peace~